


Incorrigible Cupid

by mmmm1na



Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Comeplay, Dirty Talk, Evil Robots Catch FEELINGS, Face-Fucking, Foot Jobs, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Hook-Up, M/M, Multi, Spanking, so much... cum
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:22:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27537517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mmmm1na/pseuds/mmmm1na
Summary: At first, it just starts out with Bill thinking that the Evil Robots are just incredibly horny, and he just holds on for the ride.  But then... well, it seems like it might be more than that, after all.
Relationships: Evil Robot Bill/Bill S. Preston Esq., Evil Robot Bill/Bill S. Preston Esq./Evil Robot Ted, Evil Robot Ted/Bill S. Preston Esq.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 59





	Incorrigible Cupid

Evil Ted’s foot on his dick is not something Bill expected to happen today.

Ever since he and Ted allowed the evil robot versions of themselves to hang around, weird things kept happening; they said that they were reformed since DeNomolos wasn’t pulling their strings anymore, and they kind of convinced their good selves to let them live, even though Bill and Ted hadn’t thought it was a great idea. Instead of blasting Evil Bill and Evil Ted to pieces at the Battle of the Bands, the good robot versions of themselves had tackled them to the ground and tied them up, allowing Station to reprogram them and take away their urge to kill Bill and Ted. It had taken a lot of work, since they _were_ pretty evil, but in the end Station was the best in the whole galaxy, so they had done it.

Evil Bill and Ted were alright now, at least when they weren’t being total jerks, or trashing Bill and Ted's apartment, or doing illegal stuff. Surprisingly, they never got caught, but it still made Bill worry- the idea of some dickweed version of himself going around being an ass. There _was_ always this weird thing that happened when people saw the evil robots, though, like they would forget them as soon as they left, kind of like some sort of face blindness. Either way, Bill thought, it worked for him, especially if it meant he wasn't going to have the cops showing up at his door to arrest him for something stupid, like stealing chips from the Circle-K.

Occasionally the evil robots would show up at their apartment, sometimes just to be jerks, but also sometimes to hang out, which makes no sense to Bill. It's almost like Evil Ted _likes_ him, the way he shows up and plops on the couch to watch movies, laughing at all the same dumb jokes Ted would laugh at. The sound of Evil Ted's laughter is so similar to his friend's, the crinkling of the chip bag and the slurp of his mouth on the can of soda eerily familiar, he gets lulled into a false sense of security and jumps out of his skin when he feels the rude poke of ET's toes into the soft part of his waist.

"Dude, I'm bored," Evil Ted whines, poking again, and Bill bats at his foot to try to get him to stop.

"No one made you come over, dude, and I'm not keeping you here," Bill grumbles, unable to catch Evil Ted's foot, and gets poked again for his trouble. "Go find someone else to be a dickweed to, if you're so bored."

"But I like hanging out with you, Bill, you're _fun_ ," ET keeps whining, eventually wiggling his toes in Bill's face, who jerks away with a grimace and a _bogus, dude!_

"How am I more fun than evil robot me?" Bill asks, distracted and trying to push at Evil Ted's leg as he drags down Bill's chest. ET rubs over Bill's nipple with the ball of his foot, dragging his t-shirt and rubbing in a tight circle that makes a rush of arousal twinge through him, unbidden and strange. Bill grabs Evil Ted's ankle but doesn't pull his foot away, just holding on when he moves further down, wiggling his toes again to tickle Bill's tummy. 

"Because, you always get all prissy when I tease you," Evil Ted says, smirking dangerously. Bill swallows, the apples of his cheeks getting hot. "And you're super horny for the good me, which makes it funnier when I do stuff like this."

And with that, Evil Ted rubs his foot against Bill cock where it's starting to chub up in his jeans.

Bill gasps and squeezes ET's ankle as his chin drops towards his chest. He can’t help but watch, the way Evil Ted’s foot flexes as he rubs against him, and Bill doesn't pull his foot away, just holding on while Evil Ted presses and rubs against him. Soon, Bill’s boner is straining at his jeans, uncomfortable and hot against the denim, and he rips his eyes away to look up. Evil Ted is watching him, mouth open and wet, cheeks flushed, and a wicked grin cuts across his face when he sees Bill's gaze rest on his mouth.

"See? _Funny_ ," ET laughs, still rubbing, and Bill gasps and finally presses his hips up, hand clutching at Evil Ted's ankle to press his foot down. As soon as he moves, Evil Ted yanks his leg out of Bill's grip, leaving his hips twitching against nothing. 

"C'mon, Evil Ted, what the hell," Bill practically whines. "Don't leave me hanging, dude."

"Take your cock out, _dude_ , if you want to rub against my foot so bad," Evil Ted says, but Bill can see his cheeks are starting to get a little pink, and a glance down shows ET is also chubbed up in his jeans. "Didn't know you were into that, dweeb. _Odious_."

Bill flushes bright pink, feeling the heat spreading across his cheeks and over to his ears, and he crosses his arms with a frown. "I'm not gonna take my cock out if you're just gonna be a dickweed about it, dude. You're horny too."

Evil Ted shrugs, smirking, and his eyes are hooded and heavy when Bill makes eye contact. ET reaches down to rub his own cock through his jeans, squeezing, and Bill feels his dick twitch at the sight of his best friend's doppelganger touching himself. "I'm into shit you couldn't even dream about, dude. Teasing you is just fun. Take your cock out so I can rub you off."

Bill huffs, still a little embarrassed, but reaches down to open his jeans, tugging them down a little so he can pull his cock out over the waistband of his boxers. He shifts and turns more towards Evil Ted as he plays with himself, under the suspicion that he’s been tricked into putting on a show as ET watches his hand, but feels hot under his gaze nonetheless. Evil Ted licks over his bottom lip and extends his leg out again, nudging Bill’s wrist away so he can nestle Bill’s cock between the arch of his foot and his tummy.

It’s weird, different from the feeling of his own hand, but it’s pressure and heat and friction, and Bill presses up as Evil Ted rubs and pushes down. He shuts his eyes and furrows his brow, mouth falling open as he pants, and balls his hands into fists on his thighs so he doesn’t touch again, not wanting ET to pull away. 

“Don’t close your eyes, duder,” Evil Ted says, pressing hard against Bill’s cock. “Don’t want you to forget who’s making you feel most resplendent, after all.”

Bill moans as his hips twitch up, and he tilts his head back against the couch cushion as he peels his eyes open again. Evil Ted’s pulled his cock out through the slit in his boxers and is jerking himself, mouth open and wet as he pants, and Bill groans as he stares, thinking about how he’s never seen Ted’s cock like this, big and hard in his hand, and wonders if they’re the same down to the detail. Evil Ted’s legs are spread, the one not fondling Bill folded back towards his chest since laying on the couch, and the pose is just wanton enough that Bill thinks about what he would look like without clothes on, spreading his legs so that Bill could fuck him.

His cock twitches under ET’s foot at the thought, and Evil Ted just smirks at him when he catches him watching, rubbing against him harder. Bill moans desperately, gasping as his brow draws up, and he can’t help it, his hand flies up to wrap around the top of Evil Ted’s foot, holding it in place so he can keep it right where he wants it, rubbing the head of his cock into the space under ET’s toes.

“Your noises are most ridiculous, dude,” Evil Ted says, but his voice is shaky as he strips his own cock. “Thinking about fucking that bogus good me? Or are you thinking about how I would let you do things that your dummy best friend would never let you do?”

“Thinking about fucking you,” Bill grunts out, pleasure making him stupid, curling forward as his hips twitch up over and over. “Thinking about pulling your pants down and, _uh,_ fucking you right here, _nnh,_ making you, _uhn_ , come all over yourself.”

“That’s not nice, duder,” ET gasps out, but Bill can see he’s blushing, hips pushing up at Bill’s words. “As if _you_ would be doing the fucking. I could make you come so many times you’d black out, it’d be most unrivaled. Leave you here naked and wet and dripping my cum for that dweeb good me to find.”

Bill groans, head falling back again, caught up in the idea of Evil Ted crawling over him and pushing inside him, only able to vaguely imagine what it would feel like, and he comes suddenly, grunting in surprise as he shoots all over the sensitive curve of the arch of Evil Ted's foot. 

"Short fuse, huh? You know they make pills for that, right?" Evil Ted laughs, and Bill can't muster up the energy to do anything but flip him off.

Bill closes his eyes as he pants, head still leaning back against the couch, when Evil Ted says tightly, "rude not to help a girl clean up, dweeb," and when Bill opens his eyes, ET is sticking his foot in his face with a smirk.

"Clean me up, or I won't fuck you next time," Evil Ted says, his grin wide and a little evil.

"Who says I want you to fuck me?" Bill asks incredulously, trying to shove ET's foot out of his face, even as his spent cock gives a twitch at the thought.

"You do, dude, with the way you busted all over yourself when I said it. Now lick, dweeb," Evil Ted says, and nudges his heel against the meat of Bill's shoulder.

"Now who's into foot stuff, dickweed?" Bill mumbles, cheeks on fire, but he cups his hand over the top of Evil Ted's foot, and hesitantly licks over the arch.

ET gasps and tilts his head back as he starts to jerk his cock faster, watching Bill lick his own cum off his skin. His foot twitches in Bill's grip as Bill flattens his tongue over the arch and drags it up to the ball, like he's ticklish, and Bill suddenly thinks of Ted, the way he used to squirm away when they would get into tickle fights when they were younger. He thinks about doing this to Ted, wondering if he would like it, if he's sensitive like this all over, and his spent cock gives a twitch where it's still hanging out of his boxers. Evil Ted laughs breathily, starting to gasp out these little moans, and _god,_ this is so weird- Bill recognizes those noises, could place them anywhere as the ones he hears from the other side of the bedroom, the ones he hears when he's pretending _not_ to hear. Bill licks into the space under Ted's toes, chasing the bitter taste of his cum, feeling flushed and dirty and still turned on, aware of his whole body in a way he usually isn't after his orgasms.

The next noises Evil Ted makes, however, are ones Bill's never heard before. ET gasps, eyes finally closing as his mouth falls open, red and wet like the head of his cock, and he moans as he comes all over his fist, curling in on himself as he makes these throaty _aah, ah_ 's as he shakes through his orgasm. 

When he relaxes back into the couch, cracking his eyes open to look at Bill, he looks so much softer in the wake of his pleasure, cheeks flushed and hair fanned across the pillow. Bill presses a kiss to the arch of his foot, unable to help himself, and Evil Ted tugs his leg out of Bill's grip.

"Gay," ET scoffs, rubbing his wet foot against the thigh of Bill's jeans, but his cheeks flush an even darker pink. Bill grins, pleased to find something that embarrasses the supposedly haughty evil robot, but it falls from his face as ET brings his hand up to lick his own cum off it, locking eyes with Bill.

Bill makes a soft noise, watching ET's wet pink tongue working over his skin, and then Evil Ted is suddenly in his face, curling over him and pressing his mouth to Bill's.

He kisses back, of course he does, trying to give it as good as he's getting it, but when ET opens his mouth, he pushes his cum into Bill's mouth along with his tongue. Bill makes a startled noise, but Evil Ted grabs his jaw and keeps him there, licking into Bill's mouth until he moans and swallows. Bill's hands come up to clutch at ET's shirt on either side of his ribs as he gives himself over to the brutal kiss, their lips pressed together so hard he feels his teeth cutting into the soft parts in his mouth.

It's over almost as soon as it started, and then Evil Ted is in his face, hand dragging down Bill's chest to give his spent cock a squeeze, grinning as Bill makes a startled, broken moan.

"You're more like Evil Bill than I thought, dweeb," ET says breathlessly. "Maybe you're not as boring as you always pretend to be."

Bill makes a confused noise, brain still flatlined from everything that just happened, and Evil Ted climbs off of him, tucking his cock back into his boxers.

"I might actually let you fuck me sometime," Evil Ted says, smirking and making the hang loose sign as he walks towards the door. "But you definitely can't bust that fast. Catch ya later, Bill."

And then he's gone, the door slamming against the wall from where he flung it open.

Bill sits on the couch for a second before realizing that his cock is still out and his front door is wide open, and he hurriedly tucks himself away before getting up to close the door. He peers out into the parking lot, but ET is nowhere to be found.

What a _most_ unusual day.

\---

Next time, it’s Evil Bill.

Bill doesn’t really hang out much with his evil counterpart, finding it almost too weird to sit across from him, himself but slightly off. He puts it down to the fact he only ever sees what he looks like in a mirror, usually, but it's also strange to see his own mannerisms reflected back at him, hear his voice but have it be slightly off from the way it sounds in his head. He finally gets used to it, kind of, but it still doesn’t make it any less weird when EB shows up at their apartment and drops to his knees in front of Bill with a grin.

“What, _dude_ ,” Bill hisses, trying to shove the door closed as Evil Bill noses against his crotch. “Dude, what the _hell_.”

“ET told me how easy you are, but he bet me that it was only for him because you’re gay for your dweebie best friend, duder,” Evil Bill says, laughing, his hands hot on Bill’s hips as he looks up at Bill. “But I said that you probably had never had your dick sucked, let alone by a robot with no gag reflex, so I wanted to try my luck.”

Bill shivers all over when EB grips his hips tighter, and finally gets the door shut with a huff, annoyed at the way his cock is getting interested. “Dude, you can’t just try to blow me when the door is open. What is _with_ you two.”

“So does that mean I can blow you with the door closed?” Evil Bill asks, tonguing the corner of his mouth as he smirks, and Bill feels a rush go through him at the idea of getting his dick sucked. Ever since Evil Ted had gotten him off, the image of him coming had been branded in Bill’s brain; that afternoon has been all he could think about. The feeling of being kissed so roughly, the feeling of coming apart at the will of someone else, the feeling of Evil Ted’s foot and the way he pushed his cum into Bill’s mouth… it was like he was horny all the time, now. It certainly _felt_ like he was jerking off twice as much.

“Yeah, fine,” Bill grumbles, and Evil Bill grins up at him, eyes hooded and hot as he looks up at him. If that’s what he looks like when he’s horny, he gets it, a little, though it feels egotistical to think his evil robot self is hot. It hurts his brain if he thinks about it too much, and he’s had to deal with weirder boners before, so he just shrugs and sighs as Evil Bill undoes his pants.

“Evil Ted said you come fast, so I’m sure this won’t take long,” Evil Bill laughs, squeezing Bill through his boxers.

“Screw you, dickweed, I don’t come fast,” Bill says, blushing. “Give me a break, I’ve never-”

“Yeah, yeah, we know you’re lame virgins, dude,” Evil Bill says, tugging Bill’s pants down his ankles. “Gonna ruin everyone else for you now.”

And with that, Evil Robot Bill sucks Bill’s half-hard cock into his mouth.

Bill curls forward with a groan, hands coming up to grip at the robot’s shoulders- the warm, wet heat of EB’s mouth is strange and intense around him where he’s not fully hard. Evil Bill just squeezes his hips and sucks, moving his tongue along the bottom of Bill’s cock until he’s hard and twitching and EB can’t fit it all in his mouth anymore, and he pulls off with a slick wet noise.

“Even easy for yourself, huh, loser?” Evil Bill says with a grin.

“You’re the one with my dick in his mouth, asshole,” Bill groans. “C’mon, keep going.”

Evil Bill just smirks up at him as he slowly jerks Bill’s cock, licking across his bottom lip, and Bill gets hit with that weird feeling, seeing himself but _not_ himself, tugging on his own dick. EB just says, “Say _please_ , dweeb.”

“You’re such a _dickweed_ , dude,” Bill gasps, his hips twitching forward as EB rubs his thumb over the head of his cock. “ _Please_ suck my dick.”

“Well, since you asked so nicely,” Evil Bill laughs, and he fits his mouth over the head of Bill’s cock, warm and wet as he slides down and down and _down_ , until Bill is totally wrapped in the incredible heat of his mouth. His cockhead nestles in what has to be the tight heat of EB’s throat, but he doesn’t gag or choke, and Bill watches the way his eyelashes flutter as they rest against his pink cheeks.

Bill moans harshly and grips Evil Bill’s shoulders tighter as he swallows and swallows again around his cock, tongue moving against the vein on the underside, and he almost jumps out of his skin when Evil Bill says, “You’re so easy, dude.”

“How the-” Bill gasps out, and moans again as EB sucks harshly at his cock.

“How can I talk, duder?” Evil Bill says, and he shakes with a laugh, the vibrations making Bill’s eyelashes flutter as he gasps. “Robot, idiot. My voice box has nothing to do with my mouth like you meatbags.”

“Oh fuck,” Bill whimpers, and his hips twitch forward. 

“Knew you’d be into it, too,” Evil Bill says, bobbing his head slightly so that the head of Bill’s cock is squeezed over and over by the tight grip of his throat. “Evil Ted said you came all over yourself when he talked about fucking you. You’re a kinkier fuck than we thought, but I am a clone of you, so I guess it makes sense.”

Evil Bill’s hands slide around to cup Bill’s ass, squeezing as he keeps sucking, and Bill shakes and curls over Evil Bill’s head, unable to stop another moan from desperately ripping out of him. He’s already getting close, the tight feeling of his orgasm curling in his gut, but he tries to keep himself from coming, if just to stop Evil Bill from teasing him about it.

“Already gonna come, duder?” Evil Bill laughs again. “Knew you’d be easy.”

“Shut up, dude,” Bill says, but his voice is shaky, and his hips twitch forward as EB squeezes his ass again, and his brain to mouth filter disappears. “Gonna fuck your mouth if you don’t shut up.”

“As if you would, dweeb, you wouldn’t even fuck Evil Ted if he was shoving his ass in your face,” Evil Bill says, but when Bill uncurls and looks down at his face, his brow is drawn and his cheeks are red and hot.

“Fuck you, dickweed,” Bill gasps, and he slides his hands up from Evil Bill’s shoulders to grip his neck and his jaw, pulling his hips back before pushing them forward. Evil Bill makes a startled moan, hands flexing on Bill’s ass, but he just tilts his head back as his eyes flutter open.

“In your dreams, dude. Wish you could fuck me silent, huh?” Evil Bill says, looking into Bill’s eyes, and it’s even stranger, watching his cock push in and out of the robot’s mouth while hearing his voice as clear as day. “Good luck, dweeb, but it’s not gonna happen.”

“Shut the fuck up, Evil Bill,” Bill gasps out, hips snapping forward, and Evil Bill moans, the vibrations intense and amazing around Bill’s cock.

“Can’t wait to destroy you sometime, dude,” Evil Bill says, squeezing Bill’s ass again, holding on as he thrusts. “Gonna fuck you, and then Evil Ted is gonna fuck you, and maybe if you get it together Ted can fuck you last, when you’re all loose and dripping cum.”

Bill’s gasping, little moans working their way from his throat with every push into Evil Bill’s, and he can’t talk, let alone _think_ , so he just keeps thrusting, head dropping back as he clutches at Evil Bill’s head, so close. 

“You gonna bust, dweeb?” Evil Bill asks as Bill’s thrusts get shorter and more inconsistent. “Your noises are _most_ ridiculous, dude, Evil Ted didn’t tell me about those. Wonder if you’d sound the same if you were pounding him. You could just push into him, if you wanted, he likes it rough. So do I.”

Evil Bill lets go of Bill’s hip with one hand, and with no warning, lands a harsh smack against Bill’s ass. Bill makes a startled noise and comes suddenly, practically shouting as it punches out of him, and grinds against Evil Bill’s face as he shoots down his throat. He shivers through the aftershocks, hands flexing on EB’s neck and cheek as he feels his hand petting over the tingling skin of Bill’s ass, and moans brokenly at the feeling.

When Bill’s finally able to peel his eyes open, he looks down to watch as he pulls his cock from EB’s mouth. He finds his doppelganger looking up at him, eyes hooded and cheeks red, and a string of saliva connects his tongue to the head of Bill’s cock as it slips out from between Evil Bill’s lips

“Didn’t know you had it in you, dweeb,” Evil Bill says, voice a little tight but otherwise totally normal, even with the way Bill can see his boner tenting the front of his loose jeans. “Evil Ted said you were more fun than we thought, but he didn’t say _how_ much.”

“Dickweed,” Bill gasps out, still breathing heavily and leaning on Evil Bill’s shoulders. He hesitates for a second before gesturing at EB’s crotch and asking, “Want me to…?”

Evil Bill laughs and stands fluidly, hands coming up to grip at Bill’s biceps as he wobbles, unbalanced. “Can’t even say it now that you’ve come, dude? I thought we had something special.”

Bill feels himself blush all the way to the tips of his ears as he grumbles, and Evil Bill brings a hand up to push his thumb rudely against Bill’s bottom lip, staring as he tugs it down a little. Bill would be embarrassed by how easily he lets his mouth fall open, watching Evil Bill watch him, if his brain wasn’t still absent after having it sucked out of his dick.

“Look how easy you are for yourself,” Evil Bill says softly, before taking a step back and grinning, making the hang loose sign with his hand. “Maybe next time, dweeb. Gonna go fuck Evil Ted so hard your pussweed best friend will be able to feel it. Catch ya later, Bill.”

And then he’s gone, slamming the door open, and Bill is left in his living room with his cock out, door open, for the second time this month.

He grumbles and tucks himself away quickly before going to close the door, trying not to think about how he’s a little disappointed he didn’t get to reciprocate, this time. 

\---

After that, Evil Ted and Evil Bill come by occasionally, always while Ted is at work or at his dad's, to hang out and hook up with Bill. Bill's not complaining- the orgasms are incredible, so good that he always feels like he needs to take a nap after, fucked out and relaxed. Annoyed might not be the right word, but he thinks it's just a bit bogus that he never really gets to reciprocate. The closest he ever gets is when Evil Ted climbs into his lap and pulls his cock out to jerk them together in his big hand, whispering dirty things in his ear until he comes all over ET's fingers. Evil Ted uses his cum to jerk himself until he comes all over Bill's tummy, gasping and looking so incredibly hot that Bill forgets for a second that it isn't his best friend on top of him. 

It's not just that, either- there's been… Weird things happening, too. Like the time when Ted's guitar string snaps and they won't have the money until their next paycheck to replace it, they come home one night to find a plastic bag _full_ of strings. They're the expensive kind too, the kind that they normally can't afford, and neither of them know where they came from.

There's also other things that show up at their apartment, like takeout they didn't order on nights where they have hardly any groceries left, or new music magazines they never subscribed to. Both of them just shrug and accept the gifts, because they're addressed to them, but it lingers in his brain, like an itchy tag on the shirt of his mind. There's a reason he wears his shirts inside out half the time.

He gets a hint, once, when Evil Ted's sucked him off so thoroughly that he's leaning back against the cushions with his cock out, trying to blink the stars from his eyes, and ET says, "you like Chinese or pizza more, dweeb?"

"Hu-wha?" Bill says intelligently, and looks down at where Evil Ted is stripping his own cock, resting his cheek against Bill's thigh as he kneels between his spread legs. 

"You heard me, dude," ET says, voice tight, forearm flexing, and Bill gets caught up watching the way the head of his cock peeks out from the circle of his fingers for a second.

"Chinese, I guess?" Bill says, confused, and Evil Ted comes all over the carpet with a gasp, mouth open and wet against Bill's skin. Bill makes an annoyed noise, berating ET as he grins and sticks his tongue out, and forgets all about the conversation until the next time they get a random food delivery.

"Dude," Bill says, laden down with bags by the door as the delivery man clomps back down the stairs. "I think the Evil Robot Usses are the ones buying us this stuff."

"What?" Ted says, and strangely, looks a little pink in the face. "How do you know?"

"You know sometimes how Evil Ted comes over to watch TV?" Bill asks, and Ted nods, having come home to find the two of them lounging on the couch before. "He said something while he was over once. Asked if I liked Chinese or pizza better."

"Oh," Ted says, and shrugs. "I guess it doesn't matter? They must be paying the restaurant... it's not like you can steal food if they need to cook it, right?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Bill says, and that's that.

It gets weirder, though, when their manager at Pretzels and Cheese suddenly gives them both a pay raise, not meeting their eyes. That definitely shows Bill that somethings up- they're most _definitely_ closer to getting fired than getting raises. Next time Evil Bill comes over and climbs into Bill's lap, Bill can't help but ask.

“Dude, did you have something to do with our manager giving us raises?”

Evil Bill laughs a full belly laugh, tilting his head back and everything, and says, “Yes way, duder! You should have seen the way he was shrieking when we held him off the roof by his ankles. It was _most_ outstanding.”

" _What?_ " Bill exclaims, shocked. "You can't _do_ that, Evil Bill."

"I mean, I did, so," Evil Bill says with a grin, shrugging, but when he leans in Bill leans back as well as he can against the couch. EB rolls his eyes and continues, "Pussweed wasn't paying you enough to eat, dude, that's fucked."

" _Dude,_ you can't just hang our manager off a building! What if he thought it was us?" Bill says, getting actually annoyed. "We could get _arrested_ , dickweed. Or _fired._ "

"But you _didn't_ , dweeb, stop being boring," Evil Bill says, his smile slipping off his face. "No one ever thinks we're you, for some reason. We've gotten away with a bunch of shit, and you haven't been arrested yet, right?"

"Yeah, I guess," Bill admits, begrudgingly, and Evil Bill rolls his eyes and leans in, pressing against Bill's chest. Bill brings his hands up to EB's hips, but he still can't help but say, "Then, dude… have you also been buying us all that stuff?" 

Evil Bill bites his neck, as if he's berating him for asking, but sits back on Bill's thighs and rolls his eyes again. "Yeah, so what?"

"Why?" Bill asks, baffled, as Evil Bill huffs and starts to tug open the fly of his jeans. 

"Why not, dweeb? Can't fuck you if you're gonna starve," Evil Bill retorts, sounding disgruntled, as if he's annoyed that Bill would question his motives. Bill gasps when EB gets his hand on his cock, tugging him quick and fast once he pulls him out of his boxers.

"That's actually really, _unh_ , really nice, dude," Bill says, as his head falls back against the couch. "I thought you were, _hah_ , supposed to be evil."

" _You're_ the one who got Station to reprogram us, idiot, you know we're not evil anymore," Evil Bill says, and the pace he's set his hand at is almost too much, making Bill squirm under him. "Shut up. If you keep saying boring stuff like that I'll leave you hanging."

Bill gasps and pushes his hips up against the immovable weight of the Evil Robot, eyelashes fluttering, already getting close. His brain to mouth filter fails him once again as he says, "What if I wanna do something nice for you, too, dude?"

"Gay," Evil Bill huffs out, but he doesn't let up on Bills cock, and in another moment, Bill is spurting all over EB's fingers with a strangled moan. He clutches at EB's hips as he twitches, but Evil Bill worms his way out of Bill's grip and stands. "Don't say shit like that if you want me to keep making you come all over yourself, dweeb."

Bill gapes at him, still breathing heavily, but feels a little thrill of excitement rush through him when he notices the little spots of pink of Evil Bill's cheeks. EB storms out of the apartment, slamming the door shut behind him, and Bill wonders if the Evil Robots like him, just a little.

\---

The next time Bill has a day off and Ted doesn't, Bill's stuck scrubbing cum stains off the shitty carpet of their van. He knows for a _fact_ that neither him or Ted _or_ the princesses put them there, and that combined with the full tank of gas the van suddenly has points only in one direction. He grumbles to himself, face and hands pink as he scrubs, wishing that the Evil Robots wouldn't do something shitty for every nice thing that they do, or at least that wouldn't get cum _everywhere_. 

There's a knock on the door after he's done showering, pink cheeked and hair damp in just a t-shirt and boxers, and he opens it to find _both_ Evil Robots smirking at him. Evil Ted leans against the doorframe as Evil Bill comes in to hook his fingers in the elastic of Bill's boxers, and Bill feels hot under both of their gazes even through his lingering annoyance, wondering what's going to happen.

"How’s it hanging, dweeb?" Evil Bill asks.

"Got all scrubbed up for us, huh?" Evil Ted asks.

"Was it you two who came all over the van carpet?" Bill retorts, even as cock twitches in his shorts at the touch of EB's fingers, and the two of them grin and exchange a glance.

"Yeah, but we filled your tank up after," Evil Ted says, and Evil Bill puts a sympathetic look on, pouting at Bill.

"Yeah, don't be mad at us, dude," EB fake whines, unhooking his fingers from Bill's boxers to lace them together and tuck his fists under his chin. "We'll do _anything_ to make it to you."

"Shut up," Bill grumbles as ET comes into the apartment and shuts the door behind them. "Don't make fun of me, dickweeds. I just spent all morning cleaning that shit up."

"I'm serious," Evil Bill says, coming forward again until he's pressed up against Bill's front. "We'll make it up to you… that's why we're here, duder. We're gonna fuck your brains out."

"What?" Bill squeaks, surprised, and Evil Ted slides behind him, pressing up against his back and putting his hands on Bill's hips.

"If you want, dude," ET says, pressing his nose against Bill's neck. "You can finally fuck me-"

"And I'm gonna fuck you!" Evil Bill crows, grinning, and Bill blinks at him.

"What? You mean at the same time?" Bill asks, still shocked, and EB's eyebrows raise in surprise before he gets a positively evil look on his face.

"That's a great idea, actually. Why didn't we think of that, Evil Ted?" Evil Bill asks, looking at Evil Ted over Bill's shoulder.

"I dunno, Evil Bill, but I like the sound of it," Evil Ted responds. 

"You guys suck," Bill complains, but he feels his cock getting harder where he's pressed against Evil Bill, and he makes a soft noise when ET bites gently at his neck.

"Yeah, but I don't see you complaining," Evil Ted says against his skin, sliding his hands from Bill's hips around to his tummy and down, cupping his half-hard cock through his shorts. "You're always so ready for us, dweeb."

"Ready to get your mind blown?" Evil Bill asks softly, not blinking as he holds eye contact with Bill, and Bill shivers between them before nodding. "C'mon, then."

The three of them stumble to the bedroom, Evil Bill's hands hot on Bill's hips as he pushes him forward, and Evil Ted dances his way in front so he can lay down first, plopping on the mattress with a giggle. Evil Bill shoves Bill down so he's on his hands and knees between ET's legs, and Bill can't help but stare at Evil Ted's mouth, suddenly wanting to kiss him so badly.

"Uh oh, dude, looks like he's getting gay ideas," Evil Ted says with a smirk, and Bill's boxers are suddenly pulled down his thighs.

"Can't have that," Evil Bill says, and he parts Bill's cheeks rudely with his thumbs before licking over his hole.

Bill practically yelps, head hanging down as he moans at the feeling of Evil Bill's tongue licking over him, feeling the blood rush to his cheeks. Evil Ted squirms under him, pulling off his hoodie and tshirt, and Bill feels pinned between EB's tongue and ET's smirk when he catches Bill watching him strip.

"Feel good, dweeb?" Evil Ted asks, gripping Bill's chin so he can't let his head fall forward again, and watches as Bill moans in pleasure and shivers under Evil Bill's tongue. Bill nods as well as he can, eyelashes fluttering as EB pushes his tongue inside, and feels open and wet and dirty as he gets fucked by his doppleganger's mouth, spit dripping down towards his balls.

"ET, finger yourself, dude," Evil Bill says, using the trick he uses whenever Bill fucks his throat, voice as clear as if he wasn't using his mouth. "Make him watch."

Evil Ted chirps a little _excellent!_ before twisting towards the headboard, somehow able to find where Bill hides his lube in a second. His tummy presses against his jeans, sweet and soft looking, and Bill wants to _touch_ , denied for so long.

"I wanna," Bill gasps out, and ET pauses as he settles back on the pillows, holding the tub against his chest. 

"You wanna watch, dude?" Evil Ted asks with a smirk, and Bill shakes his head, moaning again at the wet thrust of Evil Bill's tongue.

"I wanna do it, I wanna finger you, dude," Bill says through a moan, and to his surprise, Evil Ted flushes, blinking at Bill in shock.

"Dude, gay," EB says, fluttering his tongue over Bill's hole, so good Bill shakes from it, hanging his head down for a second before looking back up at Evil Ted.

"Don't gotta kiss you, dickweed, but at least let me get you ready for my cock," Bill gasps. "And I hate to tell you, Evil Bill, but eating my ass is pretty gay, dude."

Evil Ted looks down at the lube in his hands, surprisingly unable to meet Bill's eyes as he blushes at Bill's suggestion, and Evil Bill pulls away from Bill's hole with a wet noise. 

"Yeah, whatever, dweeb, you're the one who's gonna be in the middle of a dude sandwich in a second," EB retorts, rubbing his thumb roughly over Bill's asshole. 

"Let me, c'mon Evil Ted," Bill murmurs, gasping at EB's touch, and ET looks at him for a second before passing over the lube.

"You don't even have to finger him, dude, you could just fuck him right now if you wanted," Evil Bill says, almost whining, and Bill looks over his shoulder with annoyance, scooting away from Evil Bill's grasp and sitting on his haunches. 

"I don't wanna do that, dickweed, I don't wanna hurt him," Bill says, exasperated, and rolls his eyes. 

"You can't hurt him, dweeb, we're fucking _robots_ ," EB whines for real this time. "C'mon, tell him, dude!"

Evil Ted just shrugs, though, hiding behind his hair, and reaches down to undo his jeans. "Look, dude, if he wants to be a pussy and prep me, let him."

Evil Bill scoffs and Bill can practically _hear_ him rolling his eyes, but he doesn't say anything else, just pets his hands down Bill's back and back up, pushing his shirt over his head with a startlingly gentle touch. Bill finally realizes, as well as he can with his cock hard at the vee of his hips, arousal making his thoughts slow, that maybe the Evil Robots only pretend to be assholes, sometimes. Maybe they wanna be treated a little gently, too.

"I can see you thinking gay thoughts, dork," Evil Ted scoffs, lifting his long legs up so he can tug his jeans over them to fling on the floor. "Don't get any ideas."

"I'm not!" Bill says, blushing a little, and thinks about kissing Evil Ted again. "Shut up."

"Why don't you make me?" ET says with a smirk, and Bill rolls his eyes. He lubes up his fingers and rubs over Evil Ted's hole, just to watch the way it clenches at his touch, before finally pushing one inside.

"You can totally use more than one finger, duder, we'll be here all _day_ ," EB whines, rubbing his cheek over Bill's shoulder as he peers over to watch. "Can I at least finger fuck you while you're prepping him?"

Bill shakes his head and pushes his finger in deep, the hot clutch of Evil Ted's asshole feeling incredible, and he can't wait to replace his fingers with his dick, sighing. He looks up at Evil Ted's face as he pulls his finger back and pushes it in, and ET's mouth opens slightly on his next breath, looking at Bill through his bangs.

"You can put in another, I like the stretch," Evil Ted says softly, and Bill nods, pulling his finger out to push two in. He can hear the sound of his actions in the quiet of the room, the erotic wet noise of him fingering Evil Ted loud and hot, making Bill realize that Evil Bill's stopped talking. He's gone from behind Bill's back, but he doesn't want to look, doesn't want to distract himself from Evil Ted.

"Good?" Bill asks, and ET nods, gasping as Bill pushes in a little harder. The mattress shifts as Evil Bill climbs back on, and when he presses up against Bill's back again, he's naked, hot skin all the way down to his cock, which he rubs rudely against Bill's lower back.

"Touch his prostate, dude, he's totally sensitive," Evil Bill murmurs in his ear, and his hands come around to play with Bill's tits, thumbing over his nipples before pinching roughly. Bill's hand jerks as he moans at the feeling, and Evil Ted twitches at the rough push of his fingers, letting out a tiny moan.

"Yeah?" Bill asks, breathless, and Evil Ted nods, hair flying around his face in a way that's so familiar Bill feels like he's getting whiplash. He crooks his fingers, though, pressing and pressing until ET's whole body twitches, leg kicking out beside Bill's hip as he curls in on himself and moans. He clenches down hard around Bill's fingers, and Bill moans in response when he imagines what it'll feel to have that around his cock, hips pushing forward. Evil Bill pinches his nipple again, and Bill gasps as his fingers press forward harder than he wanted to, making Evil Ted moan brokenly again.

"He's so loud for you, dude," Evil Bill says, rubbing his hard-on against Bill's back. "He's always been kind of a whore, but he must _really_ want your cock."

"Shut _up_ , EB," Evil Ted gasps out, and Bill adds a third finger on his next pull and push, surprising Evil Ted into another broken moan as he tilts his head back onto the pillows. " _O-oh_ , Fuck, _Bill._ "

"Yeah?" Bill says, just to let ET know he's there, that he's listening, and curls his fingers up again and again, until Evil Ted's cock is red and dripping and incredibly hard against his tummy, every moan breathy and broken as he pants.

"You're gonna make him come before you even get inside him, duder," Evil Bill says against Bill's shoulder, but his voice is tight and his cock so hot against Bill's back. "Let me finger you, dude, I wanna fuck you."

Bill nods, and immediately feels the wet press of Evil Bill's fingers against his hole- he must have been ready and waiting for Bill to let him. Bill makes a startled, breathless noise as EB presses a finger in, his own hand stilling as he pants through the strange feeling, eyes squeezing shut as his brow furrows. It's strange and overwhelming, thinking about how Evil Ted is feeling what he's feeling right now, staring up at Bill above him.

"Good?" Evil Ted pants beneath him, and Bill nods, leaning forward to plant his hand next to ET's waist on the bed. The feeling of EB's finger gets a little less strange as he starts to pull and push it into Bill's hole, and Bill crooks his fingers again, making Evil Ted jerk with another moan, his cock twitching against his belly.

"I'm serious, dude," Evil Bill says, adding another finger, and Bill groans, going down on his elbow when his arm shakes, head hanging between his shoulders. "He's gonna fucking come if you keep doing that."

"Fuck me, dude, c'mon," Evil Ted moans, pushing down against Bill's fingers, and Bill rests his forehead on ET's chest as he pants. It's completely overwhelming, the feeling of Evil Bill's fingers pushing and stretching, the hot, wet clutch of Evil Ted's asshole around his own fingers, the almost soft way ET reaches up to comb his fingers through his curls. Bill feels like he would come apart, if he wasn't pinned so completely between the two of them.

"Yeah, dude, go ahead," Evil Bill says, and pushes a third finger in. "Fuck him, already. He gets super whiny when he doesn't get a dick in him when he asks."

"Alright, alright," Bill gasps out, and gently pulls his fingers out from between Evil Ted's legs. ET makes this sweet, breathless _ah_ at the loss, fingers tightening in Bill's hair for a moment before letting him go. Bill lifts his head and plants his other hand on the mattress so he can scoot forward, hooking Evil Ted's legs over his thighs before grabbing the lube to coat his cock until it's glistening.

"You don't- it's okay, just, c'mon," Evil Ted pants, but Bill shakes his head. He has to grip himself at the base of his cock for a second when he looks up ET's body, sweaty and flushed and panting, dick so hard he looks like he's about a second from coming.

"No way, dude, I'm using lube," Bill says, and ET grips his wrist where his one hand is still planted on the bed. 

"Pussy," Evil Ted says, but it's weak, and he gasps when Bill rubs his cockhead over his hole, loose and wet and ready to be fucked.

Bill pushes forward slowly and steadily, breathing heavily out his nose at the feeling, brow furrowing as he concentrates on not just pushing forward. Evil Bill slips his fingers back inside Bill's ass, pinching his nipple at the same time, and Bill's hips jerk at the combined feeling, pushing him in the last inch roughly. Evil Ted gasps and tenses up as he comes suddenly, shooting across his belly with a harsh moan and curling in on himself.

"Told you, dude," Evil Bill says, but he's breathless as he watches ET come apart from over Bill's shoulder. 

Bill groans at the way Evil Ted tightens around his cock, squeezing around him in a most resplendent way, and focuses everything he has on not coming. He can't stop watching the way ET is shaking under him, twitching through the aftershocks, the way a bit of his cum has pooled in his bellybutton. His cock is still half hard and so red where it rests against his belly and his mouth is open and wet as he pants, looking up at Bill with his eyes almost shut as he flops back to the pillows.

"Don't think you've gotten out of fucking me, dweeb," Evil Ted says, gasping as Bill's hips twitch at the next press of Evil Bill's fingers.

"It's not too much?" Bill says, and Evil Bill curls his fingers to press against Bill's prostate like a punishment. It feels incredible and absolutely too intense, the combination of the tight squeeze of ET's asshole around his cock and the bright, consuming pleasure of EB's fingers, and his hand flies down to grip the base of his cock again. He makes a high, desperate noise, shaking as he curls over Evil Ted to press his forehead against his chest again, and hears Evil Bill snicker behind him.

"Better not come before I get inside you, dweeb. I'm not gonna let you pull out till I'm done," Evil Bill says, tugging his fingers out roughly just to make Bill gasp. "Fuck ET, dude, I'll let you get a few in before I screw you stupid."

Bill gasps for another moment against Evil Ted's skin, feeling the way the robot is squeezing at his wrist like he can't help it. He pulls his hips out and pushes in steadily, and the moan Evil Ted makes is broken and hoarse, shaking and tightening around Bill's cock. ET must be incredibly overstimulated and sensitive with the way he's shivering under Bill, but when he doesn't tell him to stop, Bill hooks his arm under Evil Ted's thigh to push it back. He's finally able to press his face into the hot space where ET's neck meets his shoulder, and he worms his wrist out of ET's grasp so he can rest heavily on his forearm.

Bill's so focused on the way Evil Ted feels under him, squirming with every thrust, the way his body opens up for Bill making him almost crazy with it. He's gasping these little moans right by Bill's ear, face turned unconsciously towards Bill so that his cheek is resting on his curls, and Bill murmurs, so quietly, "put your arms around me, dude."

It's almost a surprise when Evil Ted listens, clutching to Bill's back and neck as Bill shoves into him over and over, but then ET scrapes his nails down Bill's spine. Bill chokes out a moan, hips twitching out of rhythm as he arches, and then Evil Bill is pressed up against his back, cock rubbing rudely against his hole.

"My turn, dweeb," EB says, sounding like he's grinning, and pushes into Bill.

Bill gets shoved forward as Evil Bill pushes into him, cock completely settled in Evil Ted, and when EB thrusts roughly into him, the jostling movement makes both Bill and Evil Ted moan. Evil Bill's hands are hot on Bill's hips, and the way neither of them has any give under their skin makes him feel stuck between a rock and a hard place- completely unable to escape even if he wanted to. He shivers as Evil Bill thrusts into him shallowly, pushing Evil Ted's leg up higher so he's curled in on himself.

"God, dude, you're so tight," Evil Bill moans, thrusting. "Relax, dweeb, you're gonna hurt yourself."

Evil Bill tugs his hips back and his next thrust pushes Bill forward into Evil Ted, and Bill feels like he's going to go out of his mind, brain completely flatlined, the hot clutch of Evil Ted's hole squeezing around him, the hard line of Evil Bill's cock pounding into him. Evil Ted pets the soft place behind Bill's ear with his thumb, and Bill can't help it- he presses a kiss to his collarbone.

" _Bill_ ," Evil Ted gasps, clutching at his back, and Evil Bill tugs his hips back in the same way over and over, setting the pace and jerking Bill's body where he wants it. Bill can't do anything but take it, feeling the way Evil Ted is shivering under him as Bill's stomach brushes his overstimulated cock, and he presses another kiss to Evil Ted's neck, and another, nosing against his skin as he moans.

"What're you, _nnh,_ don't kiss me, pussweed," Evil Ted gasps, but it has no weight with the way he's moaning and clutching at Bill, so Bill doesn't stop. He sucks at a spot at the base of Evil Ted's neck, squeezing his thigh and pushing it back further, and ET tenses up with a moan so harsh his voice breaks, the angle change making Bill's cock brush against his prostate again.

"Hold him like that, dude," Evil Bill pants, and flattens himself to Bill's back, grinding against him, and he keeps pushing and pushing against Bill's prostate, which in turn pushes Bill into Evil Ted's. Evil Bill's hips feel like they're bruising Bill's ass, he's pushing so hard against him, but Bill can't even think, let alone say anything, just moaning and gasping against Evil Ted's neck until it rushes through him and he tenses up all over, coming so hard he feels like he blacks out, stars behind his eyelids.

He hears Evil Ted moan in his ear and his cock gets gripped tight over and over as Evil Ted comes, his body milking Bill through his orgasm until he's whimpering, so overstimulated and shaky that he feels like he's going to fly out of his body. Evil Bill thrusts a couple more times, grunting in Bill’s ear, and then shakes as he comes, his body keeping Bill’s softening and sensitive cock tucked in Evil Ted’s hole. Bill feels tears come to his eyes, it’s so intense.

Bill pants into Evil Ted’s neck, focusing on the way the robot’s thumb is still gently petting the soft place behind his ear, and groans as Evil Bill pulls out, finally able to shift his hips so his cock slides free. He hears ET’s little gasp, the way he squeezes Bill tighter for just a second before letting him go, and Bill wishes they both would let him kiss them.

He lays on top of Evil Ted for a second longer, rubbing his nose against his sweaty skin as Evil Bill flops next to them, and says, “You need to cuddle longer, dweeb, or can we bail?”

Bill sighs and hoists himself up onto shaky arms, not wanting to put himself at a disadvantage with them, and feels Evil Bill’s cum start to drip out of his ass as he shifts. He blushes bright red and wiggles his hips a little as he sits between Evil Ted’s legs. He’s unable to stop watching him as he stretches and ET knows it, because he smirks at Bill from behind his bangs, spreading his legs so Bill can see where his cum is leaking out of his hole, dragging his other hand through the cum on his tummy.

“Wanna clean me up, dude?” ET asks softly, voice rough and raw, and Bill thinks about the first time, the only time Evil Ted has let him kiss him. 

“Maybe next time,” Bill says, and his voice is also wrecked. He sees a tiny shiver go through Evil Ted as Bill holds his gaze, and surprisingly, Evil Ted is the one who glances away, going pink in the cheeks.

“If you’re done being gay, Ted’s gonna be home soon,” Evil Bill says, hoisting himself off the bed. “I’m grabbing you a washcloth and then we’re going to catch a movie, right Evil Ted?”

ET nods, and when EB saunters out of the bedroom, he stares at Bill again. The room feels quiet and even more intimate as they listen to Evil Bill rustle around in the bathroom, and Bill can’t help but look down at where his cum is dripping on the sheets, Evil Ted’s hole red and sensitive looking. 

“You’re kinkier than I thought,” Evil Ted says with a grin, and reaches down to touch his asshole, fingers scooping up some of Bill’s cum. “You can kiss me here, if you really want.”

Bill swallows and goes forward on his hands and knees over Evil Ted, leaning down close, and feels a little thrill rush through him at the way ET’s eyes widen as he looks up at him. “Would rather kiss you somewhere else, dude.”

“You only wanna because I look like your best friend,” Evil Ted says suddenly, and plants his hand on Bill’s chest to push him off. “Don’t get it twisted, dweeb, he’s the one you’re gay for, not me.”

Bill feels his tummy twist suddenly, blinking in shock, and then Evil Bill is back and tossing a washcloth onto Evil Ted’s stomach, who squawks as it hits his skin with a wet slap. The moment is broken, so Bill can’t even retort, let alone ask Evil Ted what he means, and he just watches as ET wipes himself clean before tossing the cloth to Bill. 

“Catch ya later, Bill,” Evil Ted says, sticking his tongue out and getting up to pull his clothes on.

“Thanks for letting us fuck your brains out, I guess,” Evil Bill says, doing the same, and then they’re both making the hang loose sign and the front door is slamming shut with a bang. 

Bill sits on his bed, staring down at the washcloth, and wonders if he’s gotten something wrong about this whole thing.


End file.
